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Part 4
Lions & Anacondas
“Love is not about having someone, or the fear of losing them,” Jenny once said. “It’s about what we gain the moment we share ourselves openly with another person. That is the only payoff to be had in any and all relationships. Everything else is just window dressing to mollify the ego.”
She was wise, well educated, had her master’s degree in literature, and loved languages. So why she had left me for a brainless rock and roller I’ll never understand. And it wasn’t just my bitterness speaking. He would send her emails saying “Cum over, baby. Lets fuck. Im so hornie I might hump my couch.” He got high almost every morning and drunk almost every night, but he played a mean guitar and made quite a bit of money from real estate he had inherited, so Jenny fooled herself into believing he was some kind of poet.
I learned all of this when I went to her apartment. She had apparently gained her boyfriend’s love of alcohol, as she wavered at the door, and almost fell into my arms giving me a hug. She then kissed me, and I must confess that I kissed her back. I was willing to fool myself about her every bit as much as she had fooled herself about “BT.”
But now BT had dropped her, and in the haze of drunkenness she was finally seeing through the veil at what an ass he was, and how foolish she had been for falling for his “charms.” I learned a lot about the man I didn’t want to know that night, but she was laying her head on my lap, so I didn’t complain.
At last, during a silence, I was able to ask her the question I wanted answered. “Why did you leave me?” It hadn’t initially been for BT, he came a couple weeks later. I had been devastated more by the not knowing than I had by the loss itself.
“Why did I leave?” she mused, looking up at the ceiling. “Of course you’re going to ask that.”
“I deserve an answer,” I said.
“You and I were always struggling. Whether it was for money, or for power in the relationship.”
“I wasn’t struggling for power,” I told her. “I loved you.”
“You don’t think you were,” she told me. “You always think you have to change the world. You don’t ever let the world change you.”
I looked away from her. That was absurd. How could she say such a thing? I felt her move off my lap. It was just as well. I didn’t have to take such an insult. I…
I heard a familiar sound and looked toward her. She had removed her blouse. With a cool smile, she grasped my hand and placed it over her breast, maneuvering it beneath her bra. I didn’t resist as she kissed me deeply, and we fell gently onto the couch together.
I kissed down her neck and across her nipples, throwing the bra away. I sucked in that beautiful smell of her skin as I caressed her belly with my lips. My hands ran up her legs grasping happily, desperately…
Then everything seemed to stop. I crawled up her body to look in her face. Her eyes were shut. Her mouth opened and closed slightly as her chest heaved up and down. She had fallen asleep. “Jenny?” I whispered. “Jenny.” She began to snore slightly. I tapped her face gently. She turned away, waving me off with her hand.
I sat back for a moment and placed her legs on mine. A silence pervaded the room as I stared at her half naked body. I wanted inside it so badly. “She’ll wake up while you’re humping,” came that voice inside me. “Just take off her pants. She wanted it anyway.”
“I can’t do that. It would be like a rape.”
“Stop being such a pussy! A real man would have his way with her.”
I had known a lot of men who had taken advantage of women while they were drunk. They were the most popular guys in college. Even the women they took advantage of chased after them while rejecting any man who had been respectful. One of my roommates had told me that I can’t be so concerned about a woman’s feelings. “Never ask a woman what she wants; tell her what she wants,” he had said. He was one of the most desired guys on campus.
Now that voice inside me was telling me that I was single because I had refused to step up like a real man and do the aggressive, manly thing. “Girls are to be conquered,” the same roommate had told me, and he proceeded to prove his point by having a new woman in bed with him each week.
“What are you, a lion or a mouse?” the voice inside my head asked.
But as I looked at Jenny’s sleeping form, I didn’t see an object to be conquered. I couldn’t see it, no matter how hard I tried. I saw the girl in her, innocent and fragile. I felt love above all other desires.
I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and I placed it over her body, covering over her toes all the way up over her breasts, and to her neck. She felt the warmth, turned slightly, and a beautiful smile crossed her face. I pressed my fingers to my lips, touched the same fingers gently to hers, then got up and left the apartment.
Although I hadn’t heard from Nina in a week, I was curious about going to a movie with her, so I returned to Tijuana the next day.
At the border I saw three Amish teenagers returning from their journey into TJ, apparently part of their Rumspringa, a time when an Amish teenager is allowed to get a taste of the outside world before settling down into their community for life. It was an odd sight to see boys and girls in traditional black and white garb, all hanging on to one another as they swayed side to side down the sidewalk. I wondered what kind of adventures they must have had, and whether they would ever truly return to their old lives.
As I passed through the gates this time, I noticed the names on the backs of the security guards’ jackets. ‘Croc’. Someone had told me that the Croc company now owns McDonald’s. With a McDonald’s restaurant on each side of the fence and Croc security guards, it seemed to me that they must own the border. What a strange world we live in.
It was getting close to six, and I wanted to arrive on time, so I began jogging. In the town square, someone shouted, thinking I had stolen something, and one of the vendors, a big guy, ran in front of me, then hopped around in a circle, laughing like an idiot. His friends shouted to him in Spanish, and I began to think that I was about to get mugged. I froze and showed my hands to everyone. He stopped. The shouting ceased, and I continued past the grinning moron and went up across the bridge into downtown.
I reached Chicas at exactly 6 pm. I found her almost immediately, near the back of the bar, one leg up against a post, staring into the glow of the smoky bar. Her silhouette swam in the haze. She was studying the people from her perch. I approached and stood above her.
Nina sensed the shadow on her and slowly craned her neck around to look up at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and worn.
She rose sluggishly and gave me a hug, then sat me down next to her. “Okay, one round of drinks, but then we go to the movie, right?” I said, and ordered from the waiter.
She just looked out at the club, raising her foot against the pillar, as though that was the answer to my question. “I have my own cheering section,” she mused. “Someone who comes all the way down from Long Beach. Fuck, no one ever come back three times for me.”
We got our drinks.
“You never called,” I said.
“I lost it again,” she answered. “You have another card?”
I nodded, wanting to believe her, but pretty sure I didn’t.
“Can I have? I'll definitely keep it this time. Fuck, no one's ever come and seen me four times before. Baby, you're the best."
She was lethargic, in a daze; likely high on something. I wondered if she remembered my name, or if she had ever known it. Had she been playing me for drug money all along?
I didn’t give her a card. "I came down to see a movie with you," I said. She looked at me strangely. I continued, “You told me if I came at 6:00 you’d go see a movie with me.”
A look of panicked recognition crossed her face. She glanced around the crowded room. I asked her if she remembered, and she said, "Yeah. Let me think about it." After considering a moment, she said, "I have to decide if I can trust."
After a long silence I said, "You didn't lose my card, did you."
Without looking at me, she shook her head.
"It's because you're afraid to call," I said.
Still looking at the table, she nodded. The waiter came by and asked if we wanted more drinks. I knew that was the sign of, 'either buy, or clear the table for paying customers.' I looked at Nina. She didn't look back. She had guzzled down her beer absently.
I ordered two more drinks, then said to her, "After this I have enough for either one more round of drinks or a movie. You decide which."
She said okay. Then we sat back silently, listening to the music. Her hand found mine under the table. Her thumb began slowly stroking my thumb, as though it was searching for something, or telling me something.
Then she said suddenly, “Men here, they’re like lions in Africa.”
“Africa?”
She stammered a little, searching for the words, then she raised her other hand above the table and made a hopping gesture across it as two beers were placed in front of us. “It’s like they go for water; bump, bump, bump. And the anaconda’s waiting just under the water, ready to snap them up. Lots of lions come up, and the anaconda always wins. Men are such lions.”
“And you’re the anaconda?” I asked.
Her nose scrunched up, but the rest of her face remained inert. She looked away and shook her head noncommittally, then said something about her father. She threw her head back at me and said, “Yeah, I am kind of like an anaconda. I’m sit back here watching the guys. See the way they prowl around?” Again she made the cartoon gesture of hopping across the table, her hand visually following that of men on the prowl.
“What was that about your father?” I asked.
“My father is an alcoholic,” she said. “I love him. Maybe I not supposed to, but I do. I one time see him in here. He got so mad… seeing me. What I do in here. I said, ‘Hey, what are you doing here? You supposed to fuck Mom, not these chicas!’ I show him that I discover him like he discover me. He say, ‘You’re right. I won’t tell Mom if you won’t.’ So I see him in here sometimes. He say nothing, and I say nothing.”
“Is he a lion?” I asked.
“Fuck, man,” she said, and that closed the topic.
We talked very little after that. She was searching for her thoughts. She absently told me she hadn’t had a day off in several weeks.
“Then it’s time you take a little time off,” I said.
She took another swig and finished her drink. The waiter noticed and hovered above us. I told him to give us a minute, then turned to her.
“The moment of truth has arrived,” I said. “Either I buy another drink and we talk for a few more minutes, or we go see the movie right now.” What I was really laying before her was the choice between our friendship, and me being used as a client; as just another lion.
She looked up and said, “It’s busier than I thought. Hold on a minute, okay? Can you hold my place here? I see a couple guys I need check. They get me drinks, I make a little money, then come back here and we have drinks before you leave. If they no buy me drinks, I come back and we go see movie. Huh?”
That gave me neither answer yet. “You’re definitely coming back here?”
“Yeah.”
Hesitantly, I responded, “Okay. Go get ‘em, Anaconda.”
I watched her as she walked over to the thin man she had hugged the last time I was there. He sat her down and bought her drinks. I thought I should leave, but I sat there and nursed a single beer for a long time while she flirted, talked, then went upstairs with him. A half hour later they returned, then she went back up with him and a second man. I realized what a strange fate my life had come to when I was sitting at a table waiting for a prostitute to get done with a couple guys to go see a movie with her.
She came back down with them and sat between the two men while they bought her drinks to keep her there.
After having waited several hours, I got up and began to leave. She headed for the bathroom, and I waited for her to say goodbye. I looked at the man she had been with and told him I’d only be a minute. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “Whatever, I don’t care.” He clearly didn’t.
When Nina returned I told her I was leaving. “I didn't drive for four hours to be blown off by a whore!” I said cruelly.
She looked back at me shocked and hurt. Her eyes were confused, almost pleading. “You leaving?” she asked pathetically.
“Of course I am! I’ve been waiting for hours! I came here to see a movie with you, and instead you just got me for drinks! I’m not just another lion, and if that’s what you want, you need to find yourself another schmuck!”
Her eyes continued to bobble, as though she was searching for something more to say. “You want to say something?” I asked.
She nodded.
“Fine. Then let’s go back over to the table of truth.” I started to walk that way.
She took two steps, then stopped, the way a dog pulls back on its leash. Her head moved ever so slightly toward the skinny man.
“Fine,” I said, and started to walk away.
“Sunday my day off.” she called, stopping me with her words.
“Look, I’m not coming down here just to be blown off!” I said. “I get blown off enough where I live. You want to see me, you call me! I know you have my number.”
And I walked out the door.
Lions & Anacondas
“Love is not about having someone, or the fear of losing them,” Jenny once said. “It’s about what we gain the moment we share ourselves openly with another person. That is the only payoff to be had in any and all relationships. Everything else is just window dressing to mollify the ego.”
She was wise, well educated, had her master’s degree in literature, and loved languages. So why she had left me for a brainless rock and roller I’ll never understand. And it wasn’t just my bitterness speaking. He would send her emails saying “Cum over, baby. Lets fuck. Im so hornie I might hump my couch.” He got high almost every morning and drunk almost every night, but he played a mean guitar and made quite a bit of money from real estate he had inherited, so Jenny fooled herself into believing he was some kind of poet.
I learned all of this when I went to her apartment. She had apparently gained her boyfriend’s love of alcohol, as she wavered at the door, and almost fell into my arms giving me a hug. She then kissed me, and I must confess that I kissed her back. I was willing to fool myself about her every bit as much as she had fooled herself about “BT.”
But now BT had dropped her, and in the haze of drunkenness she was finally seeing through the veil at what an ass he was, and how foolish she had been for falling for his “charms.” I learned a lot about the man I didn’t want to know that night, but she was laying her head on my lap, so I didn’t complain.
At last, during a silence, I was able to ask her the question I wanted answered. “Why did you leave me?” It hadn’t initially been for BT, he came a couple weeks later. I had been devastated more by the not knowing than I had by the loss itself.
“Why did I leave?” she mused, looking up at the ceiling. “Of course you’re going to ask that.”
“I deserve an answer,” I said.
“You and I were always struggling. Whether it was for money, or for power in the relationship.”
“I wasn’t struggling for power,” I told her. “I loved you.”
“You don’t think you were,” she told me. “You always think you have to change the world. You don’t ever let the world change you.”
I looked away from her. That was absurd. How could she say such a thing? I felt her move off my lap. It was just as well. I didn’t have to take such an insult. I…
I heard a familiar sound and looked toward her. She had removed her blouse. With a cool smile, she grasped my hand and placed it over her breast, maneuvering it beneath her bra. I didn’t resist as she kissed me deeply, and we fell gently onto the couch together.
I kissed down her neck and across her nipples, throwing the bra away. I sucked in that beautiful smell of her skin as I caressed her belly with my lips. My hands ran up her legs grasping happily, desperately…
Then everything seemed to stop. I crawled up her body to look in her face. Her eyes were shut. Her mouth opened and closed slightly as her chest heaved up and down. She had fallen asleep. “Jenny?” I whispered. “Jenny.” She began to snore slightly. I tapped her face gently. She turned away, waving me off with her hand.
I sat back for a moment and placed her legs on mine. A silence pervaded the room as I stared at her half naked body. I wanted inside it so badly. “She’ll wake up while you’re humping,” came that voice inside me. “Just take off her pants. She wanted it anyway.”
“I can’t do that. It would be like a rape.”
“Stop being such a pussy! A real man would have his way with her.”
I had known a lot of men who had taken advantage of women while they were drunk. They were the most popular guys in college. Even the women they took advantage of chased after them while rejecting any man who had been respectful. One of my roommates had told me that I can’t be so concerned about a woman’s feelings. “Never ask a woman what she wants; tell her what she wants,” he had said. He was one of the most desired guys on campus.
Now that voice inside me was telling me that I was single because I had refused to step up like a real man and do the aggressive, manly thing. “Girls are to be conquered,” the same roommate had told me, and he proceeded to prove his point by having a new woman in bed with him each week.
“What are you, a lion or a mouse?” the voice inside my head asked.
But as I looked at Jenny’s sleeping form, I didn’t see an object to be conquered. I couldn’t see it, no matter how hard I tried. I saw the girl in her, innocent and fragile. I felt love above all other desires.
I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and I placed it over her body, covering over her toes all the way up over her breasts, and to her neck. She felt the warmth, turned slightly, and a beautiful smile crossed her face. I pressed my fingers to my lips, touched the same fingers gently to hers, then got up and left the apartment.
Although I hadn’t heard from Nina in a week, I was curious about going to a movie with her, so I returned to Tijuana the next day.
At the border I saw three Amish teenagers returning from their journey into TJ, apparently part of their Rumspringa, a time when an Amish teenager is allowed to get a taste of the outside world before settling down into their community for life. It was an odd sight to see boys and girls in traditional black and white garb, all hanging on to one another as they swayed side to side down the sidewalk. I wondered what kind of adventures they must have had, and whether they would ever truly return to their old lives.
As I passed through the gates this time, I noticed the names on the backs of the security guards’ jackets. ‘Croc’. Someone had told me that the Croc company now owns McDonald’s. With a McDonald’s restaurant on each side of the fence and Croc security guards, it seemed to me that they must own the border. What a strange world we live in.
It was getting close to six, and I wanted to arrive on time, so I began jogging. In the town square, someone shouted, thinking I had stolen something, and one of the vendors, a big guy, ran in front of me, then hopped around in a circle, laughing like an idiot. His friends shouted to him in Spanish, and I began to think that I was about to get mugged. I froze and showed my hands to everyone. He stopped. The shouting ceased, and I continued past the grinning moron and went up across the bridge into downtown.
I reached Chicas at exactly 6 pm. I found her almost immediately, near the back of the bar, one leg up against a post, staring into the glow of the smoky bar. Her silhouette swam in the haze. She was studying the people from her perch. I approached and stood above her.
Nina sensed the shadow on her and slowly craned her neck around to look up at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and worn.
She rose sluggishly and gave me a hug, then sat me down next to her. “Okay, one round of drinks, but then we go to the movie, right?” I said, and ordered from the waiter.
She just looked out at the club, raising her foot against the pillar, as though that was the answer to my question. “I have my own cheering section,” she mused. “Someone who comes all the way down from Long Beach. Fuck, no one ever come back three times for me.”
We got our drinks.
“You never called,” I said.
“I lost it again,” she answered. “You have another card?”
I nodded, wanting to believe her, but pretty sure I didn’t.
“Can I have? I'll definitely keep it this time. Fuck, no one's ever come and seen me four times before. Baby, you're the best."
She was lethargic, in a daze; likely high on something. I wondered if she remembered my name, or if she had ever known it. Had she been playing me for drug money all along?
I didn’t give her a card. "I came down to see a movie with you," I said. She looked at me strangely. I continued, “You told me if I came at 6:00 you’d go see a movie with me.”
A look of panicked recognition crossed her face. She glanced around the crowded room. I asked her if she remembered, and she said, "Yeah. Let me think about it." After considering a moment, she said, "I have to decide if I can trust."
After a long silence I said, "You didn't lose my card, did you."
Without looking at me, she shook her head.
"It's because you're afraid to call," I said.
Still looking at the table, she nodded. The waiter came by and asked if we wanted more drinks. I knew that was the sign of, 'either buy, or clear the table for paying customers.' I looked at Nina. She didn't look back. She had guzzled down her beer absently.
I ordered two more drinks, then said to her, "After this I have enough for either one more round of drinks or a movie. You decide which."
She said okay. Then we sat back silently, listening to the music. Her hand found mine under the table. Her thumb began slowly stroking my thumb, as though it was searching for something, or telling me something.
Then she said suddenly, “Men here, they’re like lions in Africa.”
“Africa?”
She stammered a little, searching for the words, then she raised her other hand above the table and made a hopping gesture across it as two beers were placed in front of us. “It’s like they go for water; bump, bump, bump. And the anaconda’s waiting just under the water, ready to snap them up. Lots of lions come up, and the anaconda always wins. Men are such lions.”
“And you’re the anaconda?” I asked.
Her nose scrunched up, but the rest of her face remained inert. She looked away and shook her head noncommittally, then said something about her father. She threw her head back at me and said, “Yeah, I am kind of like an anaconda. I’m sit back here watching the guys. See the way they prowl around?” Again she made the cartoon gesture of hopping across the table, her hand visually following that of men on the prowl.
“What was that about your father?” I asked.
“My father is an alcoholic,” she said. “I love him. Maybe I not supposed to, but I do. I one time see him in here. He got so mad… seeing me. What I do in here. I said, ‘Hey, what are you doing here? You supposed to fuck Mom, not these chicas!’ I show him that I discover him like he discover me. He say, ‘You’re right. I won’t tell Mom if you won’t.’ So I see him in here sometimes. He say nothing, and I say nothing.”
“Is he a lion?” I asked.
“Fuck, man,” she said, and that closed the topic.
We talked very little after that. She was searching for her thoughts. She absently told me she hadn’t had a day off in several weeks.
“Then it’s time you take a little time off,” I said.
She took another swig and finished her drink. The waiter noticed and hovered above us. I told him to give us a minute, then turned to her.
“The moment of truth has arrived,” I said. “Either I buy another drink and we talk for a few more minutes, or we go see the movie right now.” What I was really laying before her was the choice between our friendship, and me being used as a client; as just another lion.
She looked up and said, “It’s busier than I thought. Hold on a minute, okay? Can you hold my place here? I see a couple guys I need check. They get me drinks, I make a little money, then come back here and we have drinks before you leave. If they no buy me drinks, I come back and we go see movie. Huh?”
That gave me neither answer yet. “You’re definitely coming back here?”
“Yeah.”
Hesitantly, I responded, “Okay. Go get ‘em, Anaconda.”
I watched her as she walked over to the thin man she had hugged the last time I was there. He sat her down and bought her drinks. I thought I should leave, but I sat there and nursed a single beer for a long time while she flirted, talked, then went upstairs with him. A half hour later they returned, then she went back up with him and a second man. I realized what a strange fate my life had come to when I was sitting at a table waiting for a prostitute to get done with a couple guys to go see a movie with her.
She came back down with them and sat between the two men while they bought her drinks to keep her there.
After having waited several hours, I got up and began to leave. She headed for the bathroom, and I waited for her to say goodbye. I looked at the man she had been with and told him I’d only be a minute. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “Whatever, I don’t care.” He clearly didn’t.
When Nina returned I told her I was leaving. “I didn't drive for four hours to be blown off by a whore!” I said cruelly.
She looked back at me shocked and hurt. Her eyes were confused, almost pleading. “You leaving?” she asked pathetically.
“Of course I am! I’ve been waiting for hours! I came here to see a movie with you, and instead you just got me for drinks! I’m not just another lion, and if that’s what you want, you need to find yourself another schmuck!”
Her eyes continued to bobble, as though she was searching for something more to say. “You want to say something?” I asked.
She nodded.
“Fine. Then let’s go back over to the table of truth.” I started to walk that way.
She took two steps, then stopped, the way a dog pulls back on its leash. Her head moved ever so slightly toward the skinny man.
“Fine,” I said, and started to walk away.
“Sunday my day off.” she called, stopping me with her words.
“Look, I’m not coming down here just to be blown off!” I said. “I get blown off enough where I live. You want to see me, you call me! I know you have my number.”
And I walked out the door.
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